Don't Do Drugs, Kids. Seriously.

So there's a brand new cake design in town, and it's, well...

... confusing.

At first I thought it was just some leftover Batman flotsam running wild amongst the New Year's party hats.

Then I thought maybe the "party hats" were supposed to be some kind of psychedelic twin sunsets.

Then I gave up.

You guys kept sending these things in, though, demanding answers - or at least a healthy dose of mockery - which eventually led me to realize that most of you were taking your pictures upside down.

That's when things REALLY started coming together:

See? Now it's so obvious! They're mustachioed garden gnomes in straight jackets! DUH.

Just kidding.

According to my sources, they're actually ice cream cones. Wearing mustaches.

Here's the best example I could find:

(Go ahead, scroll back up and look at those other cakes again. I'll wait.)

[whistling]

(Back with me? Awesome.)

So, in conclusion: Kids, don't do drugs. And kids, don't do drugs and then try to market to hipsters. Seriously. Besides, this whole mustache thing is SO last week, amirite? So you can quit insulting our intelligence, corporate bakery people, and just take your silly little plastic mustaches and twee sense of cuteness and just... just...

[blink blink]

Forget what I just said.

SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY.

Thanks to Lorah W., Melinda M., Megan R., Kimberly S., Emily F., Colleen K., & Angie C., who know puns make everything better. Even hipster mustaches.

LOOK AT ALL MY PEARLS Y'ALL

Tomorrow is John's and my 26th wedding anniversary, and before you ask, yes, we DID get married as toddlers. We wore onesies and tottered down the aisle to the theme from Muppet Babies. It was awesome.

Anyhoo, I know what you're thinking. "Jim," you're thinking, - because you've again mistaken me for a starship captain with a penchant for pauses - "Jim, how can *I* be married for 26 blissful years?"

Ahhhh, SAY NO MORE. I do the talking around here.

Oh, and John says I have to use a bunch of these older submissions from the archives, but don't worry; I can make anything work with my stellar marriage advice. SO BRING IT, JOHN.

MARRIAGE PRO TIP #1:

Um, don't... radiate... each other. Instead, BE RADIANT.

(booya oh yeah i got this)

MARRIAGE PRO TIP #2:

Keep each other as happy as a pig in poo.
And then stay away from bees.
(Which is really more of a life tip, so that's a bonus for you single folk.)

MARRIAGE PRO TIP #3:

[....]

[pin dropping]

[...]

Next!

MARRIAGE PRO TIP #4:

Every piece of clothing ever makes her look the sexiest she has ever looked. Period.

And that goes double for the wedding dress.

MARRIAGE PRO TIP #5

When the haircut goes wrong, stick a hat on it and buy them cake.
And when you accidentally run over the pet snake...

...stick a hat on it and buy them cake.
(Your spouse, I mean, not the snake. I'm pretty sure the snake won't care for cake at this point.)

MARRIAGE PRO TIP #6:

Be their rock:

...with spontaneous wrastlin' matches.

(MROWR)

And finally,

MARRIAGE PRO TIP #7:

Give them what they want, and lots of it.

By which I mean cake.

MOAR CAKE PLS JOHN.

Thanks to Julie G., KK, Becca H., Samantha B., Ellen W., Mark H., & Diana A. for the excuse to share all these pearls of wisdom. LOOK AT ALL MY PEARLS Y'ALL.

And a special thanks to john, the hubby of me, for still being here after 26 years of poo puns and demands for whoopie... pies. I love you, Sweetness. Here's to many multiples of 26 more.

*****

P.S. If you have an anniversary coming up yourself, and a significant other who loves true crime or just a twisted sense of humor, then I have just the card for you:

Funny Anniversary Card

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot: