This Shameless Promotion Month, THERE MUST BE BOOBS

It's Shameless Promotion Month, minions, and who better to teach us a thing or two than our very own wreckerators? After all, they've been doing this stuff for YEARS:

If you're wondering if you should order here... here's your sign.

Now, the first rule of shameless promotion: there must be boobs.

The more, the better.

The second rule is to oversell it. Be bold! Embrace hyperbole! Go ahead, call that mystery pile a "Chocolate Dream"!

Mmm. Dreamy.

Did you accidentally create a teddy bear with arms coming out of its hips? Then throw in words like "fun" and "whimsical" and never break eye contact:

Or tell them you'll throw in "Rainbow of Radiant Delights By Which All Other Pleasures Must Be Measured" or, RORDBWAOPMBM, for the low low price of an extra $25.

I should probably mention the 3rd rule of Shameless Promotion is that you actively hate your customers, but I kinda figured that was understood.

And remember, a "stacked" cake doesn't make any promises about what's stacked on it:

Booya.

I imagine some mustachioed baker cackling evilly into his stand mixer over this one. "I promised them a stacked cake, Reinhold, but then I just threw some old cupcakes on top! NYAH-HA-HA! A-HA-Ha-HAAAA!"

"OK, Reinhold, you can stop laughing now."

"Seriously, that's enough."

"Are you... are you mocking me??"

"That's it, go make tomorrow's display cookie!"

Thanks to Beth H., Isobel, Jeremy W., Ashley M., Emily P., Sue, & Lauren M. for making me want to write a comic about an evil villain who keeps trying to take over the world through baked goods, but he's completely inept, so he relies on his henchwoman Reinhold to do all the baking, but Reinhold - PLOT TWIST - just wants to open her own bakery and retire, so she secretly thwarts all the evil villain's plans while using his money to buy better stand mixers.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

You're About To Spend Way Too Much Time Trying To Pronounce "Tomatch"

It's "Stay Away From Seattle Day", minions, so for all of you NOT in Seattle: good job. Have some cake.

 And for you Seattle-ites: maybe try not to annoy the people who make up weird holidays. (Unless this a benefit, so you get a day free from tourists?)

Anyhoo, much like staying away from Seattle, today's cake orders were almost ridiculously easy.

First there's Kristen, who asked for a simple "Ezra is 3!" on her son's cake. Just like staying away from Seattle, a simple requirement that only leads to confusion:

Hmm. Better take it from the top, Kristen.
 

 Then there are the people in St. Paul, who wanted cupcakes to celebrate their city. That's all, just a little good old-fashioned pride in where they live, all the great things you can do and get there...

Oh. Oh, dear.

And finally, Melissa had the lowest bar yet: just a simple birthday cookie. What kind of decorations? Oh, you know, she said. "Just anything to match."

Thanks to Kristen S. Sweet P., & Melissa B. for the reminder that nothing is easy if you try hard enough.


*****

P.S. This one goes out to all you folks in St. Paul:

Giant Microbes' Chlamydia Plush Toy

Listed under features: "Surprisingly cute... for an STD."

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot: