7 More Things That Should Never Be On Cake

And now, as a service to our readers' dieting endeavors:

7 MORE Things That Should Never Be On Cake

7. Anything that looks like a spleen

Also, why is the spleen the go-to organ for icky descriptions? You never hear someone say, "Hey, that organesque thing sure looks like a gallbladder!" Which begs the questions: is "organesque" a word? 'Cuz if not, it totally should be.

6. Shrimp

Because shrimp.

5. Nipples

Hey, don't get me wrong; nipples are great. Heck, I even have one myself. But cake should not have nipples. It just shouldn't. And the fact that I had to bring that sentence into the world makes me seriously question the direction this country is going.

4. Ants

Because anything I spend time and money trying to kill should not be something I have to pick off my cake.

3. Actual Feathers Plucked From Actual Birds

Let me get this straight: you jammed real feathers into the icing you expect me to eat?

So how about I fetch a beaver pelt and throw that sucker on there, too? Because if there's one thing we've learned about cake decorating, it's that animal outsides are both appetizing and completely sanitary!

2. Mold

BAKERS WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

1. Back hair

Actually, this is kind of hilarious.

Assuming those are chocolate shavings, of course.

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SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THOSE ARE CHOCOLATE SHAVINGS.

Thanks to wreckporters Kathryn B., Kerrigan W., Ashlee, Kelly G., Rocky J., Tami F., & Anony M. for the inspiration to just have a salad today.

Fall's Fails

Fall is officially upon us here in Florida, as evidenced by the fact that it's a blustery 78 degrees outside tonight. (Don't worry; I've already broken out the scarves, sweaters, furry boots, and electric blanket, just to be safe.)

The other way you can tell it's Fall, though - besides all the Floridians in snowsuits - is the fall-tastical offerings in our nation's bakeries:

It's a...um...leaf. 

I think.

Theoretically I KNOW this isn't a Can-Can dancer lifting her skirts, but darned if I can see anything else.

Because nothing says, "MMAAAUUUURGGHHH!!!" like a Hay Beast with peek-a-boo breasticles.

 (HAY-O!)

 Well, except maybe the Bell-Bottomed Scare Bear of Perpetual Perplexity:

He's Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Stayin' Alive.

Oooh, and if your birthday happens to fall during Fall, then you also have these fun options:

Thanks to this cake and John's alarmingly comprehensive knowledge of slang words, I now know that "nut" is also a verb.

I don't recommend looking it up.

Here's one for our pyromaniac fans:

My deer, you are on FIRE tonight!

Also, I think I'd have that lump checked out. Just sayin'.

And finally, this bakery helpfully reminds us that Fall is "Harevet Time"

  So get those bunnies in for their yearly check-ups ASAP, hear?

Thanks to Kiki, Nancy M., Addie H., Sarah T., Bevin, Tanya S., & Shelley for the nice trips.