CCCs: The Canker Sores Of Civilized Society (aka, AND ANOTHER THING!!)

Sometimes I lay awake at night, afraid that you readers may STILL think cupcake cakes (patooie!) are not the spawn of Satan.

I'm afraid I've been too soft on these vile canker sores of civilized society. That you minions may even think - and this really scares me - that I'm only kidding.

IS THIS THE CCC (patooie!) OF A KIDDER?!

So this is it, minions. My last ditch Soap Box rant.

Let's review.

First, there's that "lovely lady lumps" texture:

And if your "cake" ISN'T pockmarked with pot holes, it's because your baker did this:

...to fill in all the gaps.

Bakers also use copious amounts of icing to stick the cupcakes in place:

That's copious amounts of icing you have to dig through with your fingers to get the cupcake wrappers off.

So please, tell me again how cupcake cakes (patooie!) are easier and cleaner to serve.

Next there's the whole "flattened by Judge Doom's steamroller" issue:

(If ONLY bakers had a way to make a perfectly round cake! [sob])

And since bakers can't get their cupcakes into any kind of recognizable shape, many have given up trying altogether:

What is it?

The world may never know.

...but this one looks kinda dirty.

Happily, big bakery chains have responded by taking a critical look at the (many) problems of CCCs (patooie!), carefully evaluating potential solutions...

...and then chucking more plastic on 'em.

But worst of all, minions - WORST of all - is the blatant, gleefully-kicking-us-while-we're-down cruelty represented in these particular abominations:

I'm talking about cupcake cakes (patooie!) disguised as REAL CAKES.

How do you light those candles? You don't. BECAUSE THIS WHOLE "CAKE" IS A LIE.

This is like when you really want a steak, and someone gives you a hamburger patty with a picture of a steak taped to it.

They're even making cupcake cakes (patooie!) of real cupcakes:

Which, ok, points for being totally meta, but otherwise?

NOOOOOooooOOOOOOOoooo

Look, my friends, I'm not saying that America as we know it will collapse into a slag heap of ruin if you ever buy another cupcake cake.

But I'm not saying it WON'T, either.
[meaningful glare]

So you think about that.

Thanks to Anna V., Sarah F., Deborah F., Lisa H., Cassandra T., Hillary H., Crystal, Michael G., Martina T., Chelsea, Tara C., Emily S., Julia K., & Paige C. for helping me write the longest CW post in the history of CW. John actually made me cut it down a bit. Because, oh yes, I HAVE MORE, PEOPLE .

*****

P.S. Have you seen these absorbent wrist cuffs that are all the rage on social media lately?

Spa Wristband, 4 Pk

They keep water from running up your arms and soaking your sleeves while you wash your face! My friend Karen raves about these, total game changer. Plus with a 4 pack you'll always have a dry set on hand! Literally. ;)

A Little Rough Around The Edges

If there's one thing I've learned from Cake Wrecks over the past decade, it's that Epcot is a thing not to be trifled with.

If there's another thing I've learned from Cake Wrecks, it's that you can't make a rounded cupcake cake (ptoieee!). As in, ever. The laws of physics preclude even the merest hint of possibility.

Not that this stops our brave wreckerators from trying, of course. They seem convinced that slathering potentially life-threatening amounts of icing onto anything will put a skeptical customer into a pre-purchase sugar haze.

So let's look at how the seemingly simple circle becomes a disaster destined for diabolically dastardly...um...proportions. (No, wait. Dimensions! Dang it. Broke my stride.)

This...[dramatic pause]...is a base "ball."

And this...is Spider-Man:

Or what's left of him, anyway.

This...is...SPARTA!!!

Actually, no. I think this is supposed to be a hamburger.

"Eh wude lak to baa zebargare kek."
Baker: "I'm sorry, what?"
"Zederbergerer kek."
Baker: "Okay, I'm really not sure what you're..."
*sobbing* "DERBERGER!"

Well just remember, Wreckerators, you can always resort to that old standby: Piping, The Fix For Everything.™

Perfect.

Nina M., Amanda Y., Tyler M., & Ruth U., here's hoping the CCC will be circling the drain sometime soon. Think there's a petition we can all sign?

*****

P.S. Right, so cupcake burgers are a no, but SOCK burgers?

Burger Socks Box

SO MUCH YES.

I like how the patterns are subtle enough to be everyday socks.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot: