What Fresh Canned Fruit Cocktail Horror Is THIS?!

It's not even October, you guys, but bakers are already trying to scare us.

Fruit cocktail dumped on chocolate Tres Leches cake?
WHAT FRESH CANNED HORROR IS THIS?

And while we're bellowing rhetorical questions to the heavens...

The eyelashes. Why?
The head wound/toupee. Why?
The person who eventually paid money for this. WHYGAWDWHY

Ahem.

Brides-to-be, let's talk about putting a blood fountain under your wedding cake.
Specifically, let's talk about how you should NOT do that.

Granted, you almost don't notice the blood fountain under all the fake flowers, plastic staircases, feathers, and Mardi Gras beads - but unless Freddy Krueger is marrying the 80s, this is not a good thing.

The label says "Pumpkin Spice Cake," but Ashley wasn't fooled:

She knows "Poo-mpkin" Spice when she sees it!

And finally, here's my new favorite butchering of "you will be missed."

Judging by that splat behind the L, it's a shame the baker didn't.

Thanks to Joanna R., Brenna Z., Karen F., & Laurie - NOT "Lorie" - for the excellent wreckporting.

*****

I'm still laughing at my own joke about Freddy Krueger marrying the 80s, so let's keep that energy going with some Golden Girls Mad Libs:

The Golden Girls Mad Libs

 I just started watching Golden Girls for the first time ever (I don't know where I've been, but I'm guessing watching Star Trek) and I don't know if y'all knew this, but it's funny! :p

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

This Post Is Full Of Lies About Elephants.

Today we're going to address the elephant in the room.

And by "elephant" I mean all elephants. And by "address" I mean "look at cakes of." And by "in the room" I mean "NOT in this room."

Ahem hem hem.

Ahhh, elephants.

So ele-gant. So phant-astic.
(Don't mind the nose; he's just chilly.)

From the moment they are a mere twinkle in their daddy elephant's...

...eye...

elephants are strong swimmers!

Baby elephants make the cutest basketballs:

Well, at least at first.

Heheh. Whoops.

Later in life, elephants spend their days growing eyebrows and impersonating Jerry Seinfeld.

"And what is the DEAL with airline peanuts?!"

Until the sweet release of death:

And their haunting of the living:

Coming this Fall:
Paranormal 7: An Elephant Never Forgets

So the next time you see an elephant lounging on all its bales of hay,

Just remember:

[....]

[....]

Hm?

Oh! Sorry, I don't have any moral here. I just wanted that face seared into someone else's brain, too.

Thanks to Tatiana, Sarah S., Lauren S., Bo K., Alanna O., Hillary B., Hanna D., Laura M., & Anony M. for the slam trunks.
******
P.S. If you love elephants - well first, then I apologize for everything in this post, ha - but second, I found you an adorable pillow to make up for it:

Linen Pillow Cover: Elephant In Glasses
It's only $13, and makes me wish I had more couches to put cute pillows on.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot: