CCCs: The Canker Sores Of Civilized Society (aka, AND ANOTHER THING!!)

Sometimes I lay awake at night, afraid that you readers may STILL think cupcake cakes (patooie!) are not the spawn of Satan.

I'm afraid I've been too soft on these vile canker sores of civilized society. That you minions may even think - and this really scares me - that I'm only kidding.

IS THIS THE CCC (patooie!) OF A KIDDER?!

So this is it, minions. My last ditch Soap Box rant.

Let's review.

First, there's that "lovely lady lumps" texture:

And if your "cake" ISN'T pockmarked with pot holes, it's because your baker did this:

...to fill in all the gaps.

Bakers also use copious amounts of icing to stick the cupcakes in place:

That's copious amounts of icing you have to dig through with your fingers to get the cupcake wrappers off.

So please, tell me again how cupcake cakes (patooie!) are easier and cleaner to serve.

Next there's the whole "flattened by Judge Doom's steamroller" issue:

(If ONLY bakers had a way to make a perfectly round cake! [sob])

And since bakers can't get their cupcakes into any kind of recognizable shape, many have given up trying altogether:

What is it?

The world may never know.

...but this one looks kinda dirty.

Happily, big bakery chains have responded by taking a critical look at the (many) problems of CCCs (patooie!), carefully evaluating potential solutions...

...and then chucking more plastic on 'em.

But worst of all, minions - WORST of all - is the blatant, gleefully-kicking-us-while-we're-down cruelty represented in these particular abominations:

I'm talking about cupcake cakes (patooie!) disguised as REAL CAKES.

How do you light those candles? You don't. BECAUSE THIS WHOLE "CAKE" IS A LIE.

This is like when you really want a steak, and someone gives you a hamburger patty with a picture of a steak taped to it.

They're even making cupcake cakes (patooie!) of real cupcakes:

Which, ok, points for being totally meta, but otherwise?

NOOOOOooooOOOOOOOoooo

Look, my friends, I'm not saying that America as we know it will collapse into a slag heap of ruin if you ever buy another cupcake cake.

But I'm not saying it WON'T, either.
[meaningful glare]

So you think about that.

Thanks to Anna V., Sarah F., Deborah F., Lisa H., Cassandra T., Hillary H., Crystal, Michael G., Martina T., Chelsea, Tara C., Emily S., Julia K., & Paige C. for helping me write the longest CW post in the history of CW. John actually made me cut it down a bit. Because, oh yes, I HAVE MORE, PEOPLE .

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Remember, every time you skip buying a CCC (patooie!) and buy a little plush kitty in cake roll blanket instead, an angel gets its wings:

 Squishy KittiRoll Plush

Or you can choose the puppy in a burrito OR panda in a banana. (Would that be a Pup-rrito and Panda-nana? Ooh, I'd almost get the panda just for the name!)

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And from my other blog, Epbot:

That's, Uh, ONE Way To Celebrate Mother's Day

Mother's Day is this Sunday, minions, and I don't know about you, but I'm just not feeling it. 

Don't get me wrong, my mom ROCKS and I want to celebrate her, but I have zero enthusiasm for cheerful Mom Day cakes that only mock us with their sweet roses and bows and correctly spelled words and whatever. Bleh.

Lucky for me, these bakers feel the same way.

Messy, upside down, and hard to derive any meaning from.

Look, minions, I found 2020 in cake form.

And now our faces to go with it:

When you've stared into the void... and made poor quarantine hair decisions.

 Oh sweet, here's a steamrolled flower to represent all our Mother's Day plans that have been stomped into the dirt:

Look at it just lying there.

Crushed.

Like our hearts.

And here's one to represent the disjointed text messages we'll be sending Mom on Sunday:

Remember to include the black roses, those really sell it.

We have to keep our sense of humor through all this, though, minions. After all, the bad stuff won't last forever and the good stuff is zooming our way, I know it.

So listen, if you find yourself feeling down this weekend, I suggest ordering one of these:

Because if eating a toddler-shaped cake for Mother's Day isn't messed up enough to make you laugh, then I bet it's messed-up enough to make your MOM laugh. Just take a picture of yourself with the head on a plate to send her. :p

Thanks to Jennifer Y., Evan G., Kelly M., Tani S., & Sara R. for finding the mother baby of all wreckage.

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Mother's Day 2020 Mug

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And from my other blog, Epbot: