Fetch Me A Hammer, 'Cuz I'm Gonna NAIL THIS

I just realized that the term "nailed it!" can have two meanings. Well, three. But despite my naughty word outburst yesterday, this IS still a mostly family-friendly establishment, and the third meaning is a little TOO family-friendly, IF you KNOW what I'm SAYING.

Sorry, my caps lock HAS DEVELOPED A MIND of its OWN.

AND I'VE ALSO BEEN DRINKING.

Where was I?

No, I mean yesterday: where was I? Because I'm guessing these feathers came from somewhere.

Perhaps I should start again.

So. "Nailed it." It can mean, "What ho! I have successfully accomplished my intended endeavor!" *OR* it can mean you hit something with your car.

Pay attention now, because this is a very long setup for a very flat punchline:

NAILED IT.

THANKS TO ANN LEE, who I'm hoping can tell me what kind of bird sheds strawberry-scented feathers. And glitter. And...oh. Waaaaiiit....

*****

"What do you need a 5 pack of assorted body glitters for?"

"The question is what DON'T I need them for."

Unicorn Snot Body Glitter Gel Pack

Plus they're called Unicorn Snot. C'mon. BONUS.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

GET ME A UNICORN CHASER! (Oh. Wait.)

[Note: Today's post contains a mildly bad word, because I put it in to make John laugh and then he said it was too funny to take out. Please parent accordingly.]

According to Urban Dictionary, a unicorn chaser is anything that "serves as a cleansing of the palate after a viewer has been subjected to a distasteful internet image or experience." If you've ever mistakenly clicked a link that showed you something really disgusting, like clown porn or those prairie dresses from Target, then you know what I'm talking about.

You used to be able to buy a Unicorn Chaser from ThinkGeek (RIP), thought they never mentioned what it tasted like. I'm guessing moonbeams and Oreo filling, because I can't imagine anything that tastes better than that, except maybe Oreo filling without the moonbeams. But it might taste like green Skittles, which would be disgusting, and then you'd need another chaser for your Unicorn chaser. Which would be both sad and kind of filling.

Look, my point is that these clouds look like shit:

No, wait. That wasn't my point at all.

My point is, Unicorn horns: Do they really need a point?

Or can they just be a giant lump like a cartoon head injury?
Or a large pile of bird doo-doo?

And do unicorns need heads, or can they just puke rainbows directly out of their necks?

Assuming they still have a horn jammed in there somewhere, I mean?

True Story: As I was typing "do unicorns need heads" just now, I could totally hear one of you saying, "Why would a unicorn need a bathroom at sea?" And I was all, "WAIT FOR ME TO FINISH THE QUESTION, IMAGINARY WISE-GUY READER." And then you were all, "Gee, sorry," and I was able to move on after eating a spoonful of Oreo filling for recovery purposes.

This unicorn-pooping-cupcakes cake is adorable, and I won't have any of you speaking a WORD against it.

Unless you want to comment on the wonky elongated nipple/leg. That I'd be ok with.

And finally, you know how when you visit a friend or relative, and you break something, and you just lay the broken bits down like they're not broken and hope nobody notices until a few days after you leave? No?

Ok, how about this:

You know how when you can't get a cake unicorn head to stand up on its own, so you just break it off and plop it back down on the body at an unnatural angle and pretend it's supposed to look like that?

o.0

[backing away slowly]

If anyone needs me, I'll just be over here eating Oreo fillings in the moonlight. Just as soon as I find a picture of the moon for my computer screen.

Hey Laura B., Andrea & Anne Marie, Joshanna R., Robin E., & Samantha S. - why the long face and creepy demon eyes?

*****

P.S. Oh! For you minions who have both a pool and a sense of style:

Unicorn Pool Float

YOUR STEED AWAITS

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot: