You Don't Know Jack
Once Upon A Time...
...there was a boy named Jack:
...who used a lot of sunblock.
Jack lived with his mother in "The Hovel by the Phallic Fountain."
The hovel needed a new roof, but Jack and his mother had no money.
So they decided to sell their only cow, Boxy.
(Look, I don't know what it is, either, but this story is going to move along a lot better if we can all just agree it's a cow, OK? Moo.)
On the way to the market, though, Jack met:
...the Way Stuffed Cellulite Man.
Mr. Way Stuffed convinced Jack to trade him the "cow" for a tray of tragic spleens.
(Sure, they look happy now, but that's only because they don't recognize my masterful use of foreshadowing.)
Jack's mother was livid when he can home with the spleens, and made Jack give them a proper burial.
(See? Tragic.)
After a miserable night with no supper, Jack woke up to see a flowing vine where he'd buried the spleens:
Flows like a river.
The Tragic Spleenstalk reached all the way to the clouds. As Jack stood gaping, suddenly the Faceless Fairy appeared!
"Jack, climb the spleenstalk to find a magic chicken who lays golden eggs!" she projected telepathically.
(She doesn't have a mouth. Try to keep up.)
"But beware the ogre who guards the chicken!"
So Jack climbed the spleenstalk, and there was the chicken:
In a festive knit straitjacket.
Jack had just grabbed the bird when he heard a roar!
It was the ogre, Oh'Duh!
"Take the bird not you will!" Oh'Duh screeched.
Jack quickly fled down the spleenstalk, where his mother was waiting with a dump truck and a huge load:
...of dirt.
Before the ogre could follow, they knocked over the spleenstalk and buried it, trapping Oh'Duh in his cloud city.
With the money they made from the golden eggs, Jack and his mother were able to build a brand new home by the Phallic Fountain, complete with matching turrets.
(Those two really know how to use their heads.)
And they all lived happily ever after.
Well, OK, maybe not ALL of them.
Thanks to Amy, Giopi, Sarah J., Graham K., Sara E., moxie, Jenni Q., Shannon C., Becky C., Flowe L., Dani S., and Daniel C. for the fairy fail ending.
*****
I always like twisted fairy tails told from the villain's perspective, and this version - as told by the giant! - has rave reviews:
Trust Me, Jack's Beanstalk Stinks!
The Story of Jack and the Beanstalk as Told by the Giant
Only $7, too, if you'd like to add it to your kids' library.
*****
And from my other blog, Epbot:
