"Smack That Shiz" Is My New Favorite Saying

Stacey had a flowery paper plate she wanted her cake to match, so she brought it in to her bakery and asked them to use it as a reference for the decorations.

Unfortunately, what her baker heard wasn't so much "use this as a color/flower reference" as it was "Take this plate, cram it in the photocopier, print it on edible paper, and smack that shiz on some cake. But be sure to place it at a super weird angle, so it looks wrong no matter which way it's facing.
Yes, really. This is exactly what I want you to do."

Do I even need a drum roll anymore? Tell you what, instead, just imagine more of an "angry chickens thwacking you in the face" kind of sound. Seems more apropos.

Anyhoo... BEHOLD:

[sniff] It's.. IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

Thanks to Stacey W., who promises to glare at any and everyone who chimes in to say at least the border icing matches. YOUR MOVE, COMMENTERS.

*****

Because some days call for more than coffee:

"Probably Whiskey" Enamel "Coffee" Mug

(The listing really does have "coffee" in quotation marks, ha!)

******

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Jen Tells An Easter Story

Gather round, little Easter cakes, and I'll tell you a story.

"Is it a scary story?"

Yes.

"But I don't LIKE scawwy stowies."

TOUGH.

Oh, ok, ok. I'm sorry. Don't cry. Hey, you know what? It actually ISN'T a scary story, it's a happy, funny story. 

So Wilhelm, you can stop holding your breath now:

[PHEEEW!]

Ok, here we go. 

Once upon a time - a really FUNNY, HAPPY time - a group of bunny rabbits found a field filled with the most enormous carrots.

"Did one of the rabbits have all his legs sprouting from his chest upside down and backwards, too?

 Yeah, sure.

"Yay! Harold's in the story!"

 Yes, yes, it's wonderful. 

Shaddup. 

 Ok. So. Suddenly, the giant carrots in the field rose up and ATE ALL THE BUNNIES.

And the bunnies were all, "AAA! We're being eaten by giant carrots!"

[pause]

 "Uh, that doesn't seem very happy OR funny...."

 Well, the rabbits thought it was very funny to be eaten.

***

Now why are YOU guys crying?

[sniffling] "You said this was a GOOD story."

 It is! I just haven't gotten to the best part yet! See, next a bunch of little chickens came along and found these ENORMOUS chocolate chip cookies lying around. And then the FUNNIEST thing ever happened. Haha! Can you guess? Well, can you?

You know what, never mind. It's nap time. THE END.

Thanks to Caroline V., Allison N., Rachael J., Adash, Brian & Courtney, KJ, Robin G., Carrie M., Anne B., Su M., Twist, & Larissa B. for helping show why I'm such a terrible babysitter.

*****

P.S. I'm told this is ALSO a happy funny story. Or at least funny.

Being Dead Is No Excuse: The Official Southern Ladies Guide To Hosting The Perfect Funeral

Also it's not so much a story as a guideline. But still. Funny.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot: