You Gonna Eat That?

And now, courtesy of the bakeries of America,  

10 Things That Should Never Be On Cake.

10. Wired Ribbon

Or any ribbon, for that matter, but the wired stuff is especially bad. Do you really want sharp metal in your icing? And is it really that hard to pipe a bow? (Don't answer that. I know. Believe me. I know.)

9. Rosaries

Is this a thing? Why is this a thing? I mean, I've heard of cake being "sinfully" good before, but really?

8. Individually Wrapped Candies

Icing-smeared cellophane has never tasted so good.

7. Stuffed Animals

I don't know about you, but the last thing *I* want to see when I open a bakery box is a small furry creature. Besides, can you imagine licking icing off synthetic fur?

(You can, can't you? In fact, I bet you're imagining it THIS VERY SECOND.)

[You're welcome.]

6. License Plates

What is this I don't even.

{Actually, I'm guessing the baker saw this and decided not to take any chances.}

5. Fishing Lures Complete With Hooks

Yet another reason why you don't mess with Texas...cakes.

(And I thought licking stuffed animals would be bad. YOWCH.)

4. Those Disposable Plastic Rims You Snap Off Industrial-Sized Icing Tubs

Seriously, bakers?

SERIOUSLY?!

[Note: It's supposed to be a helmet. And the fact that I know that made me seriously re-consider my life goals this week.]

3: Underwear

Not gonna lie, Marge: seeing actual thigh-highs on cakey leg stumps just made my entire week.

Maybe I should get out more.

2. Live Animals

I suppose you could argue that the fish aren't technically touching the cake...but at that point you have to stop and ask yourself why you're arguing in favor of putting live fish on a cake.

Plus they're not even pretty fish. And what happens when one goes belly-up at the reception? Do you really want to spend your wedding day explaining the circle of life to a bunch of traumatized children? And who takes the ugly minnows home afterward, anyway? The traumatized children? And what happens when sloshed Uncle Bill grabs the wrong wine glass later on?

(Actually, I have an answer for that last one: COMEDY GOLD, that's what.)

And finally, the number one thing that should never be on a cake....IS...

1. Used Pregnancy Tests

And you thought I was joking.

Thanks to Jill C., Nell M., Shayna R., Giana T., Melanie H., Misty S., Neba N., Susie M., Stacey W., & Anony M. for putting all those plastic clown heads in perspective.