Wreck'd History: Columbus Day

Note from john (the hubby of Jen): Ya know, it's funny. The whole point of this blog is to make you smile. Maybe laugh a little. And because of that, Jen and I spend a good amount of time making sure we don't accidentally end up offending you and ruining your day since that would defeat the purpose. Of course, sometimes we fail. Like today.

I honestly didn't even know Columbus day was a big issue. (we avoid politics at all costs) I just took what I learned in history class 30 years ago, checked to make sure my facts were right, and paired it with some funny cakes. Now people are telling me that I'm evil and that I should "slither back to Europe." Good times.

So. If you want to read this post, please do it in the spirit it was written. And if you think you might be offended, go ahead and skip it. It's not worth ruining your day. Wreck On. -john

***

THE COMPLETELY TRUE STORY OF COLUMBUS DAY

told with cake

A long time ago, there was this guy named Christopher Columbus.

He was kind of a schmuck.

Columbus wanted to sail around the world, so he met with King John II of Portugal:

(It's a king cake. Try to keep up.)

...and asked the king for some boats and a crapton of money:

Mmmm greeeeasy...

King John politely declined.

Not to be discouraged, Columbus went to Spain and met with Ferdinand and Isabella, who were way cooler about the whole thing:

"Dat voyage is WHACK!"

So they gave him everything he wanted and promised him the title of Admiral of the Seas because they figured he'd probably kill himself anyway.

Columbus set sail, and eventually Rodrigo de Triana, a lookout on the Pinta, caught sight of land:

Beautiful.

...but Columbus claimed he saw it first, because he was kind of a... well...

Yeah. That.

Eventually, they made it to shore and called the "new discovery" San Salvador.

Meanwhile, the locals were like:

That's when Chris noticed a few of the locals were wearing gold, and decided it was a good time to take them prisoner and/or kill them:

Have I mentioned what a swell guy he was?

Then Columbus sailed around some more:

...and eventually wrecked the Santa Maria.

Bummer.

Sadly he didn't die, though, and went on to bring lots of wonderful things to the "new" world, like disease:

...and other diseases:

...and corn*.

Which is why Columbus day is stupid.

So happy Canadian Thanksgiving, everyone!

Gooble 'til you wooble!

Thanks to Gwynne O., Lisa, Becky B., Michelle B., Kasi K., Lizzy B., Melody, Judie V., Leicia G., Michael S., Laurel L., Michele D., Monique R., Sabrina P., Juanita G., and Leif E. for doing it right the first time.

(*Jen: "I don't think he brought corn..."
John: "Shhhhhh.")

*****

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